Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Anxious Steps Forward

As the weight trickles off I become more confident but lately I have found myself back at the lowest weight I've been in the last 5 years. YAY! Lower then my wedding day weight. These next 10 pounds are typically where I falter and stumble and give up.  But I say NOT THIS TIME, this time things are different I am not losing to any specific reason other then general health and happiness.  There is not target event like a wedding or a birthday.  There is a target for August for the photos over at A Nu(de) Motivation but I am not as worried about those as I once was.  Whatever size I am on the day we take those photos I know I will be beautiful.  So what the heck is all this rambling about? 

Well I guess I am a little anxious.  Anxious that the old me will resurface, take hold and push me back.  I know that I can work through this.  I truly have set myself up for success.  Never before have I had so much support from people in my real life AND all my wonderful online supporters.  The next 10 pounds are me truly reclaiming my life.  These are the pounds where people start saying, "hey are you're looking great", "hey have you lost weight?", "what are you doing to drop the pounds?" I am sure that most people welcome these comments.  But part of me has always felt that getting positive attention about how my body looks exposes me.  It means people are seeing me again.  That I am not blending into the background.  If I take a step further and am truly honest, I know that I feel really worried about getting attention from men.  The first 5 years, after I was raped I did my best to get the most attention possible thinking that if I solicited the attention at least I was in control of it.  Then next 9 years after that brought me hiding, not wanting to be seen.  Thinking and believing that if I was not seen I could not be hurt.  Crazy how one incident that occurred 14 years ago now, that's 1/2 my lifetime, has had such a profound impact on who I am.   But it's over, it hurt, it sucked but now I am moving on.  I want to be seen for who I am.  I am a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman who has tones to offer.  So although these next 10 pounds may cause some emotional anxiety, it will be so liberating when they are gone.  I will do the work necessary both physically and emotionally to get past this once and for all. 

Hope you all have a great day!


  1. Congrats on your lowest weight in 5 years - that's a huge accomplishment!

    I find compliments easier to deal with when they come from online rather than in real life. I don't like to be "seen" either. That's something I'm working on.

  2. Thanks for the votes of confidence! Debbie, I totally agree way easier to deal with online.