What a difference 15 weeks can make!

This post will be posted next week over at A Nu(de) Motivation so here's the sneak peak.

What an amazing difference 15 weeks can make in your life.   The changes in my life have been dramatic.  I was a last minute joiner to this group and have never felt more blessed in my life to be part of something.  The changes within me are not only physical, which is becoming obvious to those around me with my 20lbs loss, but also perhaps even more importantly emotional.  

I hardly recognize the woman I was 15 weeks ago.  Her self talk was horribly destructive.  She labelled herself a victim.  She refused to see that changes had to occur inside, in order for the outside to change.  She was tired all the time.  She could not imagine taking a fitness class.  She was constantly worrying about what others thought of her.  

I am proud to say that 15 weeks later.  I talk to myself the way I would a friend.  I don’t beat myself up anymore.  I compliment myself.  I take the time to see the beauty within me.   I no longer label myself a victim.  I have taken back my self worth by airing out my darkest secrets.  I have been working through it rather then running from it.  Finding my voice again for the first time in years was liberating.  I read a book that encouraged me to face my fears, to realize that no matter how painful or hurtful something may have been, it was in the past, it was over, it was gone; only the memory remaining.  By dealing with that memory I have been able to let go of some of my need for constant control.  I am no longer tired all the time. Who would have guessed that adding in physical activity would increase my energy.  That woman, who couldn’t dream of joining of fitness class, takes 5 per week now and loves them.  I don’t worry nearly half as much about what people think of me now.  They can think what they want.  How ridiculous of me to think that they were even thinking of me.  

The contrast is striking.  I love it.  My new life feels so permanent, this weight loss just beginning.  And although I have weeks where my loss is not what I wish it was.  I know that I am moving in the right direction. 

Who is this girl?

Seriously, who is this girl that I am becoming.  I have gone to 3 fitness classes already this week and it's only Tuesday.  I hit up Zumba on Monday which was so much fun.  I felt like a fool but had so much fun and was a hot sweaty mess by the end of class!  Today I went to belly dancing which was a good workout but not a huge cardio workout.  Then I ran over the aqua bootcamp which was fabulous as usual.  I just don't know where I got all this energy all of a sudden.  I can't even believe I just did back to back fitness classes.  If you had told me 16 weeks ago that I would be capable of doing that; I would have laughed at you.  The road ahead is a long one but I feel like i have come so far already.  I promise to write a longer post tomorrow but I am so tired. 

Goodnight!

Leah

So Frustrated

I have been away from my blog for the last few days because I have been so frustrated with a work situation that I am not making the best health decisions.  The long and short of it is that last year I worked at an amazing school with a great class that I loved.  That job was given to someone else who was a permanent teacher.  Then,  I got a permanent job. YAY! But don't really like it.  BOO.  Now that teacher that was placed into my perfect job was moved and I am not allowed to go back to my old class unless I resign from my permanent job which I can't do.  I just feel like I have been shit on.  Stupid union.  I just don't understand why they can't put a temp teacher in my current position for the year and let me do the full time gig for the year.  It's such a huge pay difference.  But alas, it's very much like my food problem.  If I take the short term reward, the full time job, I lose the long term benefit, having a guaranteed job.  I need to work through this but I am so frustrated.  I want to go back to the moment where I was thrilled about having a permanent job, because right now I feel like a bratty kid who is complaining because she didn't get her way. 

So I haven't been eating great, I did some baking, lazed around and felt sorry for myself.  It's not making me feel better so I need to get off this pity train and be happy that I have a job.  So I am off to Zumba which I have been looking forward to for weeks now.  I am sure it will put a smile on my face. 

Cheers!
Leah

Weigh-In Friday!

Well despite my skepticism another good weigh in has arrived for me.  On the first day of TOM no less.  A grand success if I so say so myself.  I am down another 1.5lbs!  

I even handle a day at my old school today without over eating a huge success.  That school is filled with the smell of food all day long and I just stuck to my packed lunch so as not to run into problems.  I have really been paying attention to the quantity of food I am eating and paying attention to when I am full.  All steps in the right direction.

I was also able to squeeze in a trip to the chiropractor where he fixed up my hip and gave me some exercise to do to keep it that way.  Lets hope that is the end of that.  

I am exhausted so I am off to relax. 

Have a good night!
Leah

Ouch!

I can't believe it myself, but I hurt myself at Yoga.  I was really enjoying the class, it was crazy challenging which I like most of the time. She had us doing down dog and then lifting up onto our toes, arching our backs and moving in to plank.  The reverse.  It was great, it was hard.  I was shaking but doing ok and then it happened.  A crack and pop and a sharp pain on the left side of my hip.  OUCH!  I left class for a minute and stretched out my hip, it felt a little better so I went back and just took the last 20 minutes of class pretty easy.  But today it still hurts like crazy.  I had to actually take some meds at work today because walking is really aggravating it.  I'll be off to the chiropractor after work tomorrow to have him look at it.  I am sure this won't derail anything for me, my hips often pop out due to an old injury.  I guess just a reminder from my body that pushing is good, pushing too hard is not.  

Night,
Leah

Anxious Steps Forward

As the weight trickles off I become more confident but lately I have found myself back at the lowest weight I've been in the last 5 years. YAY! Lower then my wedding day weight. These next 10 pounds are typically where I falter and stumble and give up.  But I say NOT THIS TIME, this time things are different I am not losing to any specific reason other then general health and happiness.  There is not target event like a wedding or a birthday.  There is a target for August for the photos over at A Nu(de) Motivation but I am not as worried about those as I once was.  Whatever size I am on the day we take those photos I know I will be beautiful.  So what the heck is all this rambling about? 

Well I guess I am a little anxious.  Anxious that the old me will resurface, take hold and push me back.  I know that I can work through this.  I truly have set myself up for success.  Never before have I had so much support from people in my real life AND all my wonderful online supporters.  The next 10 pounds are me truly reclaiming my life.  These are the pounds where people start saying, "hey are you're looking great", "hey have you lost weight?", "what are you doing to drop the pounds?" I am sure that most people welcome these comments.  But part of me has always felt that getting positive attention about how my body looks exposes me.  It means people are seeing me again.  That I am not blending into the background.  If I take a step further and am truly honest, I know that I feel really worried about getting attention from men.  The first 5 years, after I was raped I did my best to get the most attention possible thinking that if I solicited the attention at least I was in control of it.  Then next 9 years after that brought me hiding, not wanting to be seen.  Thinking and believing that if I was not seen I could not be hurt.  Crazy how one incident that occurred 14 years ago now, that's 1/2 my lifetime, has had such a profound impact on who I am.   But it's over, it hurt, it sucked but now I am moving on.  I want to be seen for who I am.  I am a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman who has tones to offer.  So although these next 10 pounds may cause some emotional anxiety, it will be so liberating when they are gone.  I will do the work necessary both physically and emotionally to get past this once and for all. 

Hope you all have a great day!
Leah

Monday Already......ugh!

Where, oh where did my weekend go?  I feel like it just got here.  Seems like I am back to the grind for the week.  I have to say though that I can't wait till next week when all my classes start up.   I went to the gym tonight but only swam in the pool nothing exciting.  I love being in the pool but when it is full of hard core swimmers I feel like I am in the way I have no room to swim,  I just wish they would put up signage or something for speed of the lanes because inevitably the 'good' swimmers get all ticked that us 'slow' swimmers are there.   I figure I pay my membership fees just like them.  They can suck it up.  

So this weekend brought with it the worse PMS symptoms I have had in months.  I was ravenous.  I was just starving.  I can't be the only one who gets like this.  I did pretty good but must admit that I took a second serving of desert on Sunday.  Oh well, hopefully that subsides soon because I would have killed for chocolate tonight and if I don't get this under control ASAP the scale is not going to have good news for me come Friday.  

I have to wonder, do any of you sometimes fee like you could eat anything in sight?  What do you do to stop yourself or do you just let it happen? 

Cheers!
Leah